I have been crying all day. This morning Jackson was intentionally doing things to hurt me. He intentionally disobeyed me, told me no when I asked for help, was so hateful and worst of all was really mean to Addis. I don't know why he is doing this. I didn't do anything, and for him to be mean to me, whatever it happens all the time, but to be mean to Addis, I don't know, that just breaks my heart. I am so sad and tired. I know everyone says to give it time, it will get better, but how do you make it through when someone is intentionally mean and just doesn't like you. ALL the time. It is so tiring to be belittled and treated horribly all day every day... When is it a personality problem, not an older child adoption problem?
Monday, September 15, 2008
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Oh, I am so sad to hear that. And I won't say "give it time" but I really, really hope it does get better. My nephew has moved in with my mother and he is pretty much being a jerk to all of us even though we are all trying to help him. It is so frustrating and you feel so helpless.
I am so sorry that you are facing this. I wish I had some magic words or wisdom but I don't except to say that we hear you. We will pray that Jackson resolves the inner conflict that is causing him to be so hurtful. Wish I could give you a hug (and maybe him a "thump").
Hey girl. I am so sorry...the situation just sucks pondwater. Wish I could shoulder some of your burden for awhile....
I think that some older adopted kids do just fine and may have a bad day every once in a while - best case scenario... which of course is what we all hope for. I think that when kids have personality issues and then you add the stress of being adopted and all the issues that go along with that, those personality issues just become intensified exponentially. I really want to think that he is just pushing you away because he is scared of being loved. I really want to think that he is acting this way to test you. I really want to think that he can break through those issues. I won't say that it takes time... blah blah blah, but I will say that I love you guys and I am praying for you for resolution. I know how tired you are. I know how fed up you are. I know the thoughts that are running through your heads. And I am praying for you.
so sorry this continues to be hard. I just think it's impossible to separate personality issues from adoption issues they are so intertwined. I hope that he finds his peace so you can have yours.
Like everyone else has said, I just feel for you all so much. It's so sad that Jackson has such an opportunity for love and a beautiful life and yet he's pushing it all away. I don't know what to say other than my thoughts and prayers are with you too, and I would gladly take some of your burden away if I could!
You ladies need a spa day! I wish you lived close to me because I need one too! ;-)
I'll be thinking about you guys and your cd's are in the mail. Hope they help.
Please, not only are these kids killing me they are breaking the bank! No money for a spa day!
Grace
Ladies, as a teacher and counsellor, I suggest to you that you get Anteneh (sorry, "Jackson" just isn't who he looks like) into counselling. It will help all of you, and you definitely need answers and peace. Thinking of you.
L.
Trust me Jackson wasn't my choice. He is a stubborn boy, who first wanted to be called Jeff. We hadn't settled on a name, I didn't even want him to change it, when he introduced himself as Jackson at his school open house. Anyway, he is still legally Anteneh.
We are going to start family and individual counseling. I hope that his language skills allow him to benefit, but it is worth a shot!!
I hope you ladies have a better day today.
I'd like to suggest you consider getting a copy of a book I'm finding very helpful. It was recommended by another very experienced adoptive mother of older kids and I feel lighter in my spirit for simply having gotten through 3/4 of it in the last 2 days.
It's called "Coming to Grips with Attachment" by Katharine Leslie, PhD, CFLE. I'd suggest you buy it off of the website www.brandnewdayconsulting.com for $19.95.
I will do her thoughts a disservice if I try to encapsulate them for you. She speaks with a thoughtful, gentle voice and goal is to help parents coach their attachment-challenged children to learn to give us what we need from them... in turn, they will become happier, more secure people.
I like the way she talks about giving the child the "basic package" which includes shelter, food, respectful and pleasant communications.
The child must EARN the "Luxury Package" by working to meet your needs as a parent. The Luxury Package includes screen time, family outings, movies, vacations, special treats, etc.
It really does seem quite brilliant. She talks about how to shift from Mom-mode where your feelings are vulnerable to "Coach" mode where you're more protected from the effects of his/her behavior.
I think you guys might find it very helpful.
I would certainly try not to let Anteneh see you cry all day over his behavior! What fun for him.
If he's following you around and rejecting your calls for help, perhaps he's enjoying watching you crumble under his control.
Leave- go out. Take Addis to a park and leave him to entertain himself with his thoughts. He has to earn the right to time with you...and he shouldn't squander it when he has it.
Easier said than done, but sounds like you need some reframing of your thoughts. He sounds like a snotty little boy with an awful lot of power at the moment.
Figure out how to shift the power - and make the rules of engagement much clearer to him. Then stick by them. I'm trying to do this all myself with my own 15 year old so I know it's hard work.
You three girls should go out and enjoy your day with friends - without speaking about him if you can.
Leave him home to enjoy his handiwork - lots and lots of solitude. : )
Again, consider getting the book.
Today I start my first session with a therapist who will try to help me figure out how to further handle my son's cues. I'm actually really looking forward to it.
I'm not wasting my money on a therapist for him just yet. He can't speak English well and he completely clams up when he's asked personal questions and he's not in the mood to discuss them - which is nearly always. : )
Good luck. Go have a fun day! Best tactic, I've found.
Oh I am so sorry. My heart aches for you. I am praying for you. I know my Mary is having issues, adopted two years ago, and I finally found a Christian counselor I am going to start going to next Tuesday.
I have a tendency to not look at adoption as the cause, where everyone else jumps to that as the first conclusion. Now I see some of the issues may be adoption related. Praying....for you. Hug.
Ohoh..on the adoption vs not thought, my older son, 10, can be what we call "stinky-faced" at times. I picked up the book called "Have a new kid by Friday" and it is big on letting them experience consequences. seems to have helped some with him.
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